Anya Stork

Creative Writing

Soviet Anecdotes

Anecdote about Brezhnev

Brezhnev died and was sent to hell.
Given his lifetime achievements, the devil asked Brezhnev to choose
a torture for himself and offers him a little tour around hell:

There in hell, Brezhnev looks into one room – there is Stalin in a bathtub of boiling water, then he sees Hitler hanging upside down over the fire.
Then he sees Khrushchev holding Marilyn Monroe on his lap.

“Oh,” says Brezhnev. “That’s not so bad… I can do that. Okay, Devil,
I think I choose the same torture as Khrushchev’s!”
Devil: “Unfortunately, Brezhnev, it is not Khrushchev who is been tortured here. This punishment was designed for Marilyn Monroe.”

Anecdote About Stalin’s Pipe

Stalin calls Beria:
– Comrade Beria! My pipe has disappeared from my desk. Please, take some measures!
After a while, Beria’s gets another call:
– Comrade Beria! Disregard that. I located my pipe. It was buried in the newspapers, – Stalin says.
– Oh! – Beria replies, – And we have already had three men that confessed…

Humor – – is perhaps one of the most difficult things to translate…
but let’s try this:

Deficit Jokes from my Youth

A Russian man walks into a grocery store:
“Do you have raisins?” – “No.”
“What about raisin buns? – “We do have some buns with raisins.”
“Please pick out a kilogram of raisins from those

Okay, the saleswoman nibbled him quite a few raisins from the buns and weighed them on a scale: Here you go, a kilo of raisins! The man asks:
“Are your buns fresh?” – “What can I say, not so fresh.”
“Ahhh …” – says the Russian man, – “Then you can insert those raisins back in, I won’t be buying them!”

Joke about sausages

“Please, come and join us for some pasta! But don’t forget to bring your own sausages.” *

(*) Sausages, like any meat protein, were very expensive and rarely affordable for average Soviet salaries, and therefore, a rare, infrequent treat.

Russian Student Anecdote:

Students come in to the grocery store deli and ask the clerk:

“Please give us one sausage and twelve forks”

And finally –

Anecdote about Aktyubinsk

A University professor is giving an oral exam to a student. The subject is mandatory for all Soviet students: the history of the Communist Party:
– “Where did such-and-such Communist Party reunion take place?” –
the professor asks.
– “I don’t know…” – says the student.
– “What was the agenda of the Communist Party reunion last year?” –
the professor continues. Again, the student replies:
– “I don’t know…”
– “Who is the Secretary General of the Soviet Union today, at least do you know that?!” – asks professor with irritation.
– “I am not sure…” – says the student.
Professor is now fully outraged:
– “You don’t even know who the head of our government is today? Where are you from, pal?”
– “Aktyubinsk,” – says the student (Aktyubinsk is a remote Russian southern town, by Caspian Sea).
Professor becomes more and more gloomy, then says slowly:
– “I wish I could quit all this (crap) and leave for Aktyubinsk!”